Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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