Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
