god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
