i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
