Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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