i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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