I'm going to jail i love you
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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