census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
