watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
