dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
