Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my sisters under your porch take her home
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
