I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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