He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
