Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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