just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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