Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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