On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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