my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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