It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
