walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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