If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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