I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
