So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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