just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
