I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
