There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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