Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
