my phone needs a breathalizer
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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