Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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