remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
