her vagina looked like bernie madoff
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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