when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize