You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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