Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
