I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
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