nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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