Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
