i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
