On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
