if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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