dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Randomize