So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
