drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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