Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
