She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I need moral support for this bender
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
