It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
