he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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