I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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