We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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