my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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