someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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