just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
