Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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