I cannot find my penis.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
sarcasm needs its own font
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
