and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
