Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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