AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
