I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
