She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
