I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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