Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
