Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
