dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize